- Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
- Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
- How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
- What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
- Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
- What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
- Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
- How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
- I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.
- We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
- A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells “Don’t do it! You have too much potential!”
- A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her.
- Want to hear a word I just made up?
- Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
- To the handicapped guy who stole my bag –
You can hide, but you can’t run.
- I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
- And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
- Someone stole my mood ring,
I don’t know how I feel about that.
- I tried to catch fog yesterday,
- The first rule of Alzheimer’s club,
Is don’t talk about chess club.
- Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
- I asked my friend about the steering wheel between his legs?
He said, “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”