Pissed of Pug

A wealthy man and his dog were on Safari when one day the dog starts chasing butterflies and gets lost. Wandering about, the dog notices a leopard sprinting towards him, with the intention of having him for lunch.

The dog thinks, “Boyo, I’m in deep doo doo now.” But out of the corner of his eye he notices some bones on the ground and immediately turns his back towards the cat and starts chewing them

As the leopard is about to leap on him, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

The leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew, that was a close call. The dog nearly had me!” says the leopard.

Meanwhile, on a nearby tree a monkey had watched this scene and figured he could put his knowledge to use in exchange for protection from the leopard. As he heads off, the dog notices the monkey running after the leopard at great speed and figures something is up.

Catching up with the leopard, the monkey tells all and strikes a deal. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and say, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what will happen to that canine!”

The dog sees monkey and leopard approaching and thinks, “What will I do now?” But, instead of running, the dog sits down with his back facing the attackers and pretends he hasn’t seen them. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Now where is that monkey! I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back!”

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”

The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.”

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand.

This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer said, “A Doberman?”

The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”

The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, butthought,”What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog”

The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”

The woman with the Chihuahua said,

“A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!”

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00.

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It’s mid-winter………….and of course all of the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now, making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

- they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,
- they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG…?

Let’s talk about the dog:

A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it………………….The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse……….. just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.

The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog’s rear end……………….he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with ‘I can’t believe this just happened’ looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay….doing fine.

And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South …

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

“Good trade.”