While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,  While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one Unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

The Senior Road Trip! This could be me! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Pardon me, Rabbi, but is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.” The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi speaks up and asks the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replies, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asks him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replies, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nods understandingly and remains silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi says, “Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

The Priest and the Rabbi is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Now that I work for myself, I do have more time and Cheryl thinks that I should accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Cane,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Cheryl is taking it quite well under the circumstances.

I am banned from Walmart – Imagine That! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

There are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter….

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said, “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information. But what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

I heard that the interview was never aired….

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Mad Cow Disease – An Irish Description is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for CNN’ he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

Sometimes two assumptions can get two people in trouble! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

I can never get enough Tomato Soup

This was sent to me by a friend.

I wish you Enough !

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, ‘I love you, and I wish you enough.

The daughter replied, Dad, our life together has been more than? enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.

They kissed and the daughter left.? The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, ‘Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever ?

‘Yes, I have,’ I replied. ‘Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?

‘I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is – the next trip back will be for my funeral,’ he said.

‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough. May I ask what that means?’

He began to smile. That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone. He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. ‘When we said, I wish you enough, we were wanting the other person to have a life? filled with just enough good things to sustain them. Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

• I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear.
• I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
• I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
• I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
• I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
• I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
• I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

Take Time To Live..

To all my friends and loved ones, I wish you Enough !

This was sent to me by a friend and I did some google searching and learned that it was written by a man named Bob Perks. See www.bobperks.com, I hope he does not mind that I was touched by this and re-posted.

I wish you Enough! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

There were a dozen Z3′s and Z4′s en-route to ZFEST 2011 in Spartanburg SC. This particular convoy had folks from Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky and Ohio. ZFEST (www.zfest.com)  is an annual event for owners of BMW Z Series cars.

Linda and Jim from somewhere in the Great State of Michigan were driving their Z3 in our convoy and as they drove along, a strange thing happened. Somehow a poor little squirrel leapt up and landed on a shelf protruding from the lower grill of their Z3. The poor little roadent was pronounced dead on arrival at the gas station where we stopped for gas, perhaps a drink and a whiz.

Where's Bullwinkle

Some funny stuff started to happen. Jim got out of his car and looked at his grill and said “I thought the car was behaving squirelly for the last few miles!” This prompted me to say that “it’s only a small roadent.” and others flocked to the front of Jim and Linda’s car to see the little deceased critter. Sad in many ways but humorous in others! Someone else said, we can’t come back this way because Bullwinkle will be waiting for us!

Cameras were snapping photos from many angles.

The humor continued as folks that we did not know started coming out of the gas station to take a look and one attractive young woman came prepared with as camera, she squatted twixt me and the squirrel and snapped a photo. As she squatted I happened to see something that perhaps I should not have seen. As she stood up, the conversation went something like  this:

I said “Are you a plumber?”
She looked quizzical and then grinned and
She said “Did you see my butt-crack?”
I replied “I sure did.” She was ultra quick and
She said: “Cute! Ain’t it!”
All I could do was smile, I had no comeback for that quick retort. I just wonder how she is telling this story to her friends.

Cars behaving squirrely or R.I.P. Rocky is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

A friend of mine named Ken sent me an email with the story relating his experience saving $63.01.

Readers should know that I have been an iPhone user for short periods of time.

I keep coming back to Androids. My first iPhone three or four years ago was a disaster, my experience with it caused me to coin the phrase that “an iPhone was a digital representation of a dumb blond” , but I digress …

Recently my iPhone battery was dying. It no longer could hold a charge and died out after about 4 hours. To have Apple replace a battery is a charge in the US of $79.00 plus $6.95 for shipping and handling. Plus you give the phone to them until they can return it. Being the cheap guy I am I chose to look elsewhere. Plus I did not want to be without the phone. I mean, how hard can it be to change a battery?

I found a website, iTool Battery, that had all Apple products batteries for sale. I will give you the link at the end. I bought the iPhone 4 battery that I needed from them. In total with shipping this cost me $22.94. That was a savings of $63.01.

I received the new battery in a few days. In the kit you get a special tool to use, the battery, and a link to video instructions and written instructions. First I wanted to read the written instructions. I went to the site and tried to download them and the links failed. I tried everything and could not get them. I next proceeded to look at the video. It worked and made the installation look simple. Hmmm, too simple! So I went ahead to take apart the iPhone as per the video. There are two screws on the bottom. I used the tool provided and it did not work. My rotten luck!

Next I tried to call the company and I got no answer. Then I tried to send a help request via the website and it failed. Uh oh! I felt I had been taken!

Two days later I decided to give it another try. After 4 attempts I reached a live body on their phone number for support. The woman I spoke with had very poor English speaking skills. Heavy oriental accent! I described my problem and she promptly said she would immediately send the correct tool. She had my order info and said that was all she needed. I received a tracking number immediately and all looked good.

In a few days I received a package from them at no charge. I could not believe what was inside. I received eight different tools. I now have a set of tools to open any Apple product – iPhone, iPad, ianything! So, I was now ready to proceed.

I removed the two bottom screws as the video showed. Piece of cake but they are teeny and you have to use care in handling and removing. Not too bad.

Next I slipped off the cover as the video showed and it was perfect. Now we come to the battery inside. (By the way, for you engineering types, Apple did an excellent job in layout and design. Amazing product inside.)

There is a screw you have to remove first that holds down the battery connector. No problem! I had to use another tool to get this out. Again no issue now that I have a set of tools.

What they did not tell me is that you have to be extremely careful or a small bracket will pop loose that holds down the antenna as well as part of the connector. It popped loose. Oh well, I will figure that out later.

In the video the next step says pull the tab and the battery lifts out. I pulled and no movement. I really pulled and no movement. I pulled so hard I was afraid I might ruin the battery or the phone in some manner. Nothing gave. So next I went to my special tools and noticed a few have these flanges and arms on them and even suction cups. I used one tool to go around the battery edges to see if I could loosen it. Nothing moved but I did get a clear edge around the battery. Next I used another tool to stick under the top edge of the battery near the side of the phone with two buttons and I got some movement up. I then used a suction cup and starting lifting. I pulled it up as much as possible and noticed Apple had an adhesive on one side holding it in. This was not in the instructions.

So I next used another tool to carefully pry away the gooey adhesive and low and behold I got the battery out. I replaced it with my new battery. All I had to do was reverse the process and all would be complete. First I had to insert the connector in place. But I had this part that fell off to replace in order to do that. It was a pain aligning it after figuring how it was installed but I got it in position to screw down the connector. I had to use another tool to hold the alignment while I used another screwdriver to tighten in the screw. Thankfully the tool was magnetic and held the teeny screw in place.

So now that I had that installed I replaced the cover and then re-installed the two bottom screws and then next turned it on. It worked!

So once again I am back in business. I have a new battery installed. I saved the company money. (I did add a few more gray hairs – there are a few hairs left on my head!) And I am now a happy guy.

So if you want to change a battery it is your decision as to you doing it or letting Apple do it. It is not as easy as they say and not for the squeamish to do but if you have an iPhone it is a good alternative to save you money. Just be prepared to get involved with a small mess and some difficulty. Or you can send your phone to me and I will change it for you. I am cheap and I now have all the tools (technically I guess they are all the company’s tools since they are going to pay for this battery. (No, I had to go through the grief. I will keep them. Ha!).

Here is a link if you want or need a battery in the future: http://www.itoolbatterykit.com/index.asp

Ken

iPhone 4 – Battery Replacement – Really Easy NOT! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

This questionnaire is for self-avowed heterosexuals only. If you are not openly heterosexual, pass it on to a friend who is. Please try to answer the questions as candidly as possible. Your responses may be held in strict confidence and your anonymity fully protected.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?
6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?
10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?
11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?
15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?
16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?
17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?
18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?
19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?
20. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?
21. How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?
22. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

(©1972, Martin Rochlin, Ph.D.)

The Heterosexual Questionnaire is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

A politician was seated next to a young girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the politician. “How about global warming, health care, or stimulus packages?” as he smiled smugly.

“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The politician, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”

She went back to reading her book, and the politician had nothing else to say for the rest of the flight.

Chatting on a Plane: Is it a good idea? is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog