It was a while ago when I worked in Canada at Varian Associates. The company controller was a nice enough guy but once in a while he would become a little anal in his approach to enforcing the company rules. I’ll call him Mike, because that was his name.

Mike decided one day to become the Parking Nazi (this was long before Seinfeld and the Soup Nazi) so for the erudite amongst you, ‘Parking Nazi’ is a retronym. You gotta love Wikipedia’s definition, it says “A retronym is a type of neologism that provides a new name for an object or concept to differentiate the original form or version of it from a more recent form or version.” Now! Isn’t that clear?

Along one side of the building there was a parking area for company executives, of which Mike of course was one. Many of us who considered ourselves to be as valuable to the company as Mike would park there once in a while, particularly when dropping in during the day from a sales call with the inetent of leaving again soon. Well sometimes ‘soon’ turned into later and if an executive were to return to find his spot un-vacant, he would get pissed off.

Mike decided to try and help by purchasing self-adhesive labels which explained in a very bold way that the car was illegally parked and was not in compliance with the compant parking regulations. These stickers were a bright orange with black lettering and had adhesive from hell on the back of them.

One day it was raining hard and one of us who will remain nameless, returned to his car to find a sticker in the middle of the driver’s side of the windshield and the car was essentially not drivable with the sticker in place.  Remember the part about that it was raining hard! So now I was really pissed off, whoops I should not have said it was me. Getting soaked to the bone, I did remove the sticker and the story went around the plant about my soaking. Mike, the fool, made the error of rubbing it in!!

Sometime in the week following, Mike left his office door open and as I wandered by, guess what I saw? It was a large roll of bright orange stickers sitting on his desk.  Now how serendipitous is that!

I wandered in and grabbed the roll and returned to my office  and put the roll away for a few days. Now Mike drove a White Corvette! One of those great sports cars with a long sloping very large windshield. I determined that I had more than enough stickers to coat the entire windshield with bright orange stickers with the adhesive from hell on Mike’s windshield. It turned out that I had enough to do both side windows and the back window as well.

By the way, I did this on  a day when I was at home on a sick day and I made sure that I phoned in a couple of times asking for some sales figures from Mike as even though I was ill, I was trying to catch up on some work, at least that’s what Mike thought!

I do apologize to the other sales guys that worked for me who got blamed for this. If they happen to read this blog post, I do hope they will forgive me!

The Mistake that Mike Made – Stickers on Windshield is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Pardon me, Rabbi, but is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.” The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi speaks up and asks the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replies, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asks him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replies, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nods understandingly and remains silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi says, “Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

The Priest and the Rabbi is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Now that I work for myself, I do have more time and Cheryl thinks that I should accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Cane,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Cheryl is taking it quite well under the circumstances.

I am banned from Walmart – Imagine That! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

A friend named Mike, emailed this to me. I don’t know the original source but s/he should be thanked or the giggles.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house – mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit – shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do one of the following:

In your 20′s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30′s:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40′s:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The sexy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is sexy.

In your 50′s:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms .’

In your 60′s:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50′s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70′s:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don’t even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80′s:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

The Age of a Man as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said “Do you have any Rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”

He said, “I want 5 loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”

He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this but me.

Rye Bread and Old Age is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

I can never get enough Tomato Soup

This was sent to me by a friend.

I wish you Enough !

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, ‘I love you, and I wish you enough.

The daughter replied, Dad, our life together has been more than? enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.

They kissed and the daughter left.? The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, ‘Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever ?

‘Yes, I have,’ I replied. ‘Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?

‘I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is – the next trip back will be for my funeral,’ he said.

‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough. May I ask what that means?’

He began to smile. That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone. He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. ‘When we said, I wish you enough, we were wanting the other person to have a life? filled with just enough good things to sustain them. Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

• I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear.
• I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
• I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
• I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
• I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
• I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
• I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

Take Time To Live..

To all my friends and loved ones, I wish you Enough !

This was sent to me by a friend and I did some google searching and learned that it was written by a man named Bob Perks. See www.bobperks.com, I hope he does not mind that I was touched by this and re-posted.

I wish you Enough! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

I’m not sure that I liked the Kroger Store in West Chester anyway, but I’m kind of angry that I have been banned from the store. Yesterday I was at my local Kroger  some Purina ‘Moist and Meaty’ dog food for Diesel and our three pugs.

I have no idea why but the woman behind me in the check-out line asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m a bit of a smart-ass, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 30 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Moist and Meaty chunks is a plastic bag and simply eat one or two chunks every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in checkout line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the sidewalk to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard – I’m now banned from the Kroger Store in West Chester.

It would be wise to be careful of asking questions of some of the older folk because some of us have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Chris Cane – Banned from the West Chester Kroger Store is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

There were a dozen Z3′s and Z4′s en-route to ZFEST 2011 in Spartanburg SC. This particular convoy had folks from Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky and Ohio. ZFEST (www.zfest.com)  is an annual event for owners of BMW Z Series cars.

Linda and Jim from somewhere in the Great State of Michigan were driving their Z3 in our convoy and as they drove along, a strange thing happened. Somehow a poor little squirrel leapt up and landed on a shelf protruding from the lower grill of their Z3. The poor little roadent was pronounced dead on arrival at the gas station where we stopped for gas, perhaps a drink and a whiz.

Where's Bullwinkle

Some funny stuff started to happen. Jim got out of his car and looked at his grill and said “I thought the car was behaving squirelly for the last few miles!” This prompted me to say that “it’s only a small roadent.” and others flocked to the front of Jim and Linda’s car to see the little deceased critter. Sad in many ways but humorous in others! Someone else said, we can’t come back this way because Bullwinkle will be waiting for us!

Cameras were snapping photos from many angles.

The humor continued as folks that we did not know started coming out of the gas station to take a look and one attractive young woman came prepared with as camera, she squatted twixt me and the squirrel and snapped a photo. As she squatted I happened to see something that perhaps I should not have seen. As she stood up, the conversation went something like  this:

I said “Are you a plumber?”
She looked quizzical and then grinned and
She said “Did you see my butt-crack?”
I replied “I sure did.” She was ultra quick and
She said: “Cute! Ain’t it!”
All I could do was smile, I had no comeback for that quick retort. I just wonder how she is telling this story to her friends.

Cars behaving squirrely or R.I.P. Rocky is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

A friend of mine named Ken sent me an email with the story relating his experience saving $63.01.

Readers should know that I have been an iPhone user for short periods of time.

I keep coming back to Androids. My first iPhone three or four years ago was a disaster, my experience with it caused me to coin the phrase that “an iPhone was a digital representation of a dumb blond” , but I digress …

Recently my iPhone battery was dying. It no longer could hold a charge and died out after about 4 hours. To have Apple replace a battery is a charge in the US of $79.00 plus $6.95 for shipping and handling. Plus you give the phone to them until they can return it. Being the cheap guy I am I chose to look elsewhere. Plus I did not want to be without the phone. I mean, how hard can it be to change a battery?

I found a website, iTool Battery, that had all Apple products batteries for sale. I will give you the link at the end. I bought the iPhone 4 battery that I needed from them. In total with shipping this cost me $22.94. That was a savings of $63.01.

I received the new battery in a few days. In the kit you get a special tool to use, the battery, and a link to video instructions and written instructions. First I wanted to read the written instructions. I went to the site and tried to download them and the links failed. I tried everything and could not get them. I next proceeded to look at the video. It worked and made the installation look simple. Hmmm, too simple! So I went ahead to take apart the iPhone as per the video. There are two screws on the bottom. I used the tool provided and it did not work. My rotten luck!

Next I tried to call the company and I got no answer. Then I tried to send a help request via the website and it failed. Uh oh! I felt I had been taken!

Two days later I decided to give it another try. After 4 attempts I reached a live body on their phone number for support. The woman I spoke with had very poor English speaking skills. Heavy oriental accent! I described my problem and she promptly said she would immediately send the correct tool. She had my order info and said that was all she needed. I received a tracking number immediately and all looked good.

In a few days I received a package from them at no charge. I could not believe what was inside. I received eight different tools. I now have a set of tools to open any Apple product – iPhone, iPad, ianything! So, I was now ready to proceed.

I removed the two bottom screws as the video showed. Piece of cake but they are teeny and you have to use care in handling and removing. Not too bad.

Next I slipped off the cover as the video showed and it was perfect. Now we come to the battery inside. (By the way, for you engineering types, Apple did an excellent job in layout and design. Amazing product inside.)

There is a screw you have to remove first that holds down the battery connector. No problem! I had to use another tool to get this out. Again no issue now that I have a set of tools.

What they did not tell me is that you have to be extremely careful or a small bracket will pop loose that holds down the antenna as well as part of the connector. It popped loose. Oh well, I will figure that out later.

In the video the next step says pull the tab and the battery lifts out. I pulled and no movement. I really pulled and no movement. I pulled so hard I was afraid I might ruin the battery or the phone in some manner. Nothing gave. So next I went to my special tools and noticed a few have these flanges and arms on them and even suction cups. I used one tool to go around the battery edges to see if I could loosen it. Nothing moved but I did get a clear edge around the battery. Next I used another tool to stick under the top edge of the battery near the side of the phone with two buttons and I got some movement up. I then used a suction cup and starting lifting. I pulled it up as much as possible and noticed Apple had an adhesive on one side holding it in. This was not in the instructions.

So I next used another tool to carefully pry away the gooey adhesive and low and behold I got the battery out. I replaced it with my new battery. All I had to do was reverse the process and all would be complete. First I had to insert the connector in place. But I had this part that fell off to replace in order to do that. It was a pain aligning it after figuring how it was installed but I got it in position to screw down the connector. I had to use another tool to hold the alignment while I used another screwdriver to tighten in the screw. Thankfully the tool was magnetic and held the teeny screw in place.

So now that I had that installed I replaced the cover and then re-installed the two bottom screws and then next turned it on. It worked!

So once again I am back in business. I have a new battery installed. I saved the company money. (I did add a few more gray hairs – there are a few hairs left on my head!) And I am now a happy guy.

So if you want to change a battery it is your decision as to you doing it or letting Apple do it. It is not as easy as they say and not for the squeamish to do but if you have an iPhone it is a good alternative to save you money. Just be prepared to get involved with a small mess and some difficulty. Or you can send your phone to me and I will change it for you. I am cheap and I now have all the tools (technically I guess they are all the company’s tools since they are going to pay for this battery. (No, I had to go through the grief. I will keep them. Ha!).

Here is a link if you want or need a battery in the future: http://www.itoolbatterykit.com/index.asp

Ken

iPhone 4 – Battery Replacement – Really Easy NOT! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

No Bull Shit

Today a friend posted his horror scope on FaceBook and he’s a Taurus just like me. I thought I’d spend a couple of minutes and check my horoscope at more than one website and I learned that I could pick the horoscope that I liked and discard the ones I dod not like.

What a load of Bull Crap!

Listed below, you’ll find my horoscope from several sources. Which one do you like best?

At: tarot.com
Saturday, Jun 18th, 2011
You may feel complacent with your life, making it difficult to motivate yourself even if you have a lot to do today. Thankfully, it’s easier to sustain your efforts after you finally get moving. But once you find your pace, you won’t want to slow down if someone gets in your way. Overreacting won’t help you make faster progress, so remember that there may be another point of view that you aren’t aware of yet.

At: calastrolgy.com
Your Horoscope for Saturday, June 18th
The world of imagination, fantasy, entertainment, or art holds more attraction for you. Go to a movie with a friend (or write your own!). You are more impressionable and open, but somewhat less precise and clear mentally.

At: zdaily.com
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Try not to let any irrational thoughts or worries bother you too much today. Your thinking could be a little hazy at the moment. You won’t really be communicating all that well right now either, and this could lead to a few messy misunderstandings if you’re not careful.

You should try to be a little wary of any information that’ll be coming your way today. And you really shouldn’t rely too much on the advice of others. Your intuition will be quite strong right now, and you should try to remember to listen to the wisdom of your own inner voice. Mantra: I will trust my own inner voice.

At: gotohoroscope.com
June 18, 2011
Steer clear of traffic lights. Credit expansion is well aspected due to a financial partnership. Call a long lost friend. A new romance may knock on your door.

At: cainer.com
Taurus, Saturday, 18 June 2011
Your Week Ahead: We like what we know. We know what we like. We even quite like what we know we don’t like because at least we know that we don’t like it and so, therefore, we don’t have to think too much about it. What we don’t much like is not knowing whether we will like something or not. You don’t know whether you will like what’s in store this week. Mars is leaving your sign. You’re about to get something that you’ve been striving for, yet which inwardly, secretly, you’re not sure you want. Will you like it? Will you understand what to do? You will if you trust yourself and resolve not to worry. Now, if you give me your date and place of birth and you’ll be amazed at what I can tell you about your past, your present and your future in a full horoscope reading… and right now there’s 20% off until the Solstice on June 21st

At: cafeastrology.com
June 18, 2011
Ideas can be tossed around today at a fast and furious pace, dear Taurus, and if you simply allow yourself to enjoy them instead of expecting any kind of permanency from them, then you’ll be a lot better off. It’s possible that you can reveal more about something than you ever planned to today, so you may want to watch what you say.

At: washingtonpost.com
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Sometimes when someone’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, the friction can be terrifically stimulating! Seek out contrary opinions today — for instance, talk Hollywood with the friend who loves that actor who really annoys you. Or sing the praises of your favorite sports team to a fan of its chief rival. You might even bring up the touchy subject of politics if you’re feeling particularly feisty. This day of fun conflict will keep you laughing, and keep you learning.

Taurus Horoscope – What Bull Crap! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog