Over to our table came a fifty-year-old mini-skirted waitress whose hips were as wide as our table. Her mini-skirt was less than flattering. Legs tapering from battleship width to her shoe size were not a pretty site. Cheryl and I ordered and we waited as the kids pored over their menus. Gladys, or whatever her name was, our waitress, was getting more and more impatient and the seconds were ticking by. Disaster was about to strike.

After less than about a minute, she looked at our two daughters whose ages totaled less than ten at the time. “Hurry up! Do you think I’ve got all f*&^%$#g day?”

Only in New York!

Only in New York is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

The husband was a little surprised when the bell man was taking the luggage from the back of their SUV,  he saw that his wife had loaded the footlocker from the foot of their bed and had loaded it into the SUV. He asked why and she replied “Later Dear! I’ll explain later.”

After dinner they retired to their room, the same one that they had been in some fifty years earlier. The chest had been placed at the foot of the bed and the wife removed a key from a locket between her breasts and said, “OK, you can open the chest.”

Inside, the husband found two ears of corn and a about $25,000.00 in cash.

He asked “Why the two ears of corn?”

She said “Each time I was unfaithful, I placed an ear of corn in the chest.”

He said “Twice in fifty years, that does hurt but I guess I can understand because I did travel a lot in the early years.”

He asked “Why the $25,000.00 in cash?”

She said “Each time I got a bushel, I sold it.”

On being faithful is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them.. They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’ ‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’

She replied, ‘Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.

(Stolen from Tim at the CarsNstuff.us forum)

Priests at the Beach in Hawaii is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so that they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,to mate, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.”

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said,…When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

“The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

“Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

“That is amazing,” they said.

“How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

“The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,………

“My wife is from Wales “

Can you get milk from a Scottish Cow? is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

I was at a shopping mall with my dad many years ago.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was staring at a teenager sitting near us. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, orange, and blue. My Dad kept staring. It was becoming a little embarassing. The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eye…

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter.

Travels with Dad – The Hairy Peacock is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Trivial Pursuit Game

The origins of the TRIVIAL PURSUIT® game can be traced back to a blustery day in Montreal, December 15, 1979, when two friends, Scott Abbott, sports editor with the Canadian Press and Chris Haney, photo editor for the Montreal Gazette, engaged in a friendly argument over who was the better game player. This led to the friends creating a board game of their own. It was introduced in early 1982. After numerous setbacks and hard times, things finally began to go their way. Chieftain Products Ltd. became their Canadian distributor beginning October 1, 1982, and in 1983, Horn Abbot introduced the TRIVIAL PURSUIT® game to the Selchow & Righter game company for the United States market. The result? In 1984 alone, over 20 million games were sold. (Paraphrased from www.trivialpursuit.com)

For me it was 1984, Cheryl and I had bought our first Trivial Pursuit game, and we’d moved to Utah. The game was played day after day, weekend after weekend amongst our new friends in Utah.

In 1984, I hopped on a plane and flew to Australia for a business trip. While in Sydney, I was invited to stay at the home of Peter, Gabrielle and Anna Kirkwood. Peter was Varian’s sales manager Down Under, and I was a product manager for Varian’s Eimac division in Salt Lake City. Gabrielle was Peter’s gracious wife and Anna, their new daughter, was a few months old.

I really enjoyed the trip and their home. Where we might see sparrows, ravens, robins and blackbirds in our backyard, their backyard had parrots, mynah birds, cockatoos and other exotic birds.

Peter and I visited several customers and as our week was coming to a close, Peter and Gabrielle took me to Balmoral Beach or Immoral Beach, the locals called it Immoral Beach as many of its sun bathers were nude. From there we went to a seaside resort to fill out the week. As we sauntered past some boutiques, I happened to notice a game box of, you guessed it, Trivial Pursuit in a store window. I pointed it out to Peter and Gabriella, and they had not yet heard of it. I decided to buy them a copy as a thank-you gift from a Canadian living in the USA visiting Australia.

That evening we cracked open the box. A couple of friends of Peter and Gabrielle dropped in and we played Trivial Pursuit. I figured I was in no danger of losing as by now I’d been playing for many months.

I lost abysmally! The Aussies were just too damned intelligent for me. Perhaps it was because their knowledge of Australia was better than mine. That day the questions were about Australian Geography, Australian Sports and Leisure, Australian History and Australian TV and Movies!

How was I to know that those clever game making people had made an Australian version for the Down Under market?

Something not so Trivial in Australia – is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Kampei

Kampei is a traditional toast in Japan. Where we might say Cheers! or Bottoms Up!, the Japanese typically say Kampei or “Empty Glass”.

Throughout the eighties and nineties I traveled extensively in the Far East and Europe. It was tradition in Japan for us to meet at the end of the week in our rep’s conference room for a wrap-up of the week’s activities. One particular Friday in the early eighties I was working for Eimac, then a division of Varian. We had had a particularly successful week. The meeting started a little early and was to be a celebration. John Button, also from Eimac, was just beginning his travels in Japan and had arrived in Tokyo from Taiwan or Korea. He was to stay over the weekend and travel with our rep the following week.

My week had gone very well, and we had booked some great orders. This Friday’s review meeting in Marubun’s conference room was to be a small celebration. The room filled with about 10 people, some were support staff, others were Marubun sales reps with whom I had traveled that week. The two outsiders were John and me.

The branch manager, Masa Horikoshi opened a small cabinet at the front of their conference room and out came a bottle of Suntory Whiskey. 

Masa filled each of our glasses, and a toast was proclaimed in memory of the great week, nine of us said Kampei and returned our glasses to the table.

John Button had not touched his glass.

Masa said, “John, you have not drunk your whiskey?”

John replied, “I’m sorry, but I don’t drink.”

Masa came right back with, “Why don’t you drink?”

John simply said, “I would just prefer not to drink.”

Masa undaunted, “There must be a reason why you don’t drink!”

John confided, “I am a member of the Mormon Church, and we do not drink alcohol.”

Masa was incredulous, “John, Do Mormons live longer than other Americans?”

John quietly replied, “Yes, the average Mormon man lives about two and one half years longer than other American men.”

Masa reached across the table and took John’s glass.

With John’s glass of whisky still in Masa’s hand, Masa remained inquisitive, “Two and a half years?”, long pause, “Two and a half years?”, another pause, “at the end of your life?. It’s not worth it!”, pause, “Kampei!” and John’s glass was now empty.

Kampei or Bottoms Up – Japan Style is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Customer Service: What’s wrong with it?

Caller: The Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don’t have a mouse!!!

Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?… I will send a picture

See below

Mouse Jammed in Printer

I have a printer problem. is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Many years ago, I’m guessing in the early seventies, Cheryl and I were visiting my folks and something unexpected happened!

Who would have guessed that by teaching her daughter-in-law to cook sausage rolls could backfire and blacken a Christmas dinner. My Mother made great sausage rolls, and she passed her recipe down to Cheryl many years ago. It was Christmas and Cheryl, the daughter-in-law, was elected to cook the sausage rolls. With a little help from my Mum, the deed was done.

The table was laid and the plate of Cheryl’s sausage rolls was placed in front of my Dad. I grabbed one as did Dad. He opened his mouth and took a mouth watering bite. With half of his sausage roll still in his hand, he turned and complimented his wife of over forty years by say, “Dear! These are the best sausage rolls you’ve ever made.”

He would never live that down!

So far, I have not done a faux pas of that magnitude but it might happen one day!

The Faux Pas of The Sausage Rolls is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

As she reached the farm yard she saw cows and horses that appeared to have been groomed within the last few minutes. The place was spotless, the barns were red and the doors outlines in white that made the farm simply beautiful.

As she stopped the car, she noticed a sight that surprised her, it was a three legged pig that was simply filthy and not walking very well. It took a step or two and fell over. She guessed that the filth on the pig was a result of it falling over, time and time again.

She knocks on the farmhouse door to interview the farmer. He appeared in the doorway, as expected in clean, freshly ironed bib overalls. She complimented the farmer on the amazing farm and asked if he would agree to an interview and allow her to take a few photos for the paper. He agreed.

As the interview continued she finally asked about the three legged pig. The farmer said “That there pig is a family pet and he’s really smart. We’ve taught him all kinds of tricks, like ‘Roll Over,’ ‘Sit’ and ‘Fetch.’ As to that last trick, ah kin be sittin’ on our front pouch and when the weekly newspaper comes, ah jest tells the pig to ‘Fetch’ and he goes gits the paper and brings it to me.”

“Wow!” exclaims the reporter. “That pig sure is smart.”

“Not only is he smart, but he’s somethin’ of a hero,” the farmer tells her.

“What do you mean a ‘hero?’” she asks.

“Well,” says the farmer. “That there pig, being the family pet, sleeps at the foot of our bed. One night when we were all sleepin’, a fire breaks out in our farmhouse. The pig started squealin’ and fussin’ and wakes us all up so we were able to git out of the house.”

“That’s truly astounding,” says the reporter. “It’s unbelievable.”

“But you ain’t heard the whole story,” the farmer replies. “We all git out of the fire that night except my baby girl. That wonderful pig went back in the burning farmhouse and dragged the little one to safety and saved her life.”

“And the pig lost his leg because it was burned in the fire?” asks the reporter.

“Well, not exactly,” answered the farmer. “Ya’ see, a pig like that, one that is so smart, so heroic,  so valuable. You don’t eat a pig like that all at once!”

Porcine Immaculata or The Three Legged Pig Story is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog