While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,  While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one Unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

The Senior Road Trip! This could be me! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

It was a while ago when I worked in Canada at Varian Associates. The company controller was a nice enough guy but once in a while he would become a little anal in his approach to enforcing the company rules. I’ll call him Mike, because that was his name.

Mike decided one day to become the Parking Nazi (this was long before Seinfeld and the Soup Nazi) so for the erudite amongst you, ‘Parking Nazi’ is a retronym. You gotta love Wikipedia’s definition, it says “A retronym is a type of neologism that provides a new name for an object or concept to differentiate the original form or version of it from a more recent form or version.” Now! Isn’t that clear?

Along one side of the building there was a parking area for company executives, of which Mike of course was one. Many of us who considered ourselves to be as valuable to the company as Mike would park there once in a while, particularly when dropping in during the day from a sales call with the inetent of leaving again soon. Well sometimes ‘soon’ turned into later and if an executive were to return to find his spot un-vacant, he would get pissed off.

Mike decided to try and help by purchasing self-adhesive labels which explained in a very bold way that the car was illegally parked and was not in compliance with the compant parking regulations. These stickers were a bright orange with black lettering and had adhesive from hell on the back of them.

One day it was raining hard and one of us who will remain nameless, returned to his car to find a sticker in the middle of the driver’s side of the windshield and the car was essentially not drivable with the sticker in place.  Remember the part about that it was raining hard! So now I was really pissed off, whoops I should not have said it was me. Getting soaked to the bone, I did remove the sticker and the story went around the plant about my soaking. Mike, the fool, made the error of rubbing it in!!

Sometime in the week following, Mike left his office door open and as I wandered by, guess what I saw? It was a large roll of bright orange stickers sitting on his desk.  Now how serendipitous is that!

I wandered in and grabbed the roll and returned to my office  and put the roll away for a few days. Now Mike drove a White Corvette! One of those great sports cars with a long sloping very large windshield. I determined that I had more than enough stickers to coat the entire windshield with bright orange stickers with the adhesive from hell on Mike’s windshield. It turned out that I had enough to do both side windows and the back window as well.

By the way, I did this on  a day when I was at home on a sick day and I made sure that I phoned in a couple of times asking for some sales figures from Mike as even though I was ill, I was trying to catch up on some work, at least that’s what Mike thought!

I do apologize to the other sales guys that worked for me who got blamed for this. If they happen to read this blog post, I do hope they will forgive me!

The Mistake that Mike Made – Stickers on Windshield is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Pardon me, Rabbi, but is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.” The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi speaks up and asks the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replies, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asks him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replies, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nods understandingly and remains silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi says, “Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

The Priest and the Rabbi is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Now that I work for myself, I do have more time and Cheryl thinks that I should accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Cane,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Cheryl is taking it quite well under the circumstances.

I am banned from Walmart – Imagine That! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Windows vs. Ford – For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash – twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call “customer service” in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

Please share this with your friends who love – but sometimes hate – their computer!

Microsoft and Ford – An unlikely rivalry! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

There are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter….

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said, “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information. But what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

I heard that the interview was never aired….

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Mad Cow Disease – An Irish Description is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Claire-Lee

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Claire-Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Claire-Lee and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

Lorraine

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t do anything with Claire-Lee while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Claire-lee. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.

(Get ready, it’s good…)

(Down some More)

“I can see Claire-Lee now. Lorraine has gone.”

He Loved Claire-Lee more! is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

A friend named Mike, emailed this to me. I don’t know the original source but s/he should be thanked or the giggles.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house – mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit – shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do one of the following:

In your 20′s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30′s:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40′s:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The sexy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is sexy.

In your 50′s:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms .’

In your 60′s:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50′s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70′s:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don’t even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80′s:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

The Age of a Man as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said “Do you have any Rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”

He said, “I want 5 loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”

He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this but me.

Rye Bread and Old Age is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change:$39.95
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $39.95

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

Man v Woman – The Oil Change is a post from: Chris Cane's Blog