Jim’s Folly

Jim and Janet were in the backyard and Janet bends over to pick up a dropped barbecue tool.

Jim, her husband looking at her behind says: ‘wow, your ass is bigger than the barbecue!’

Janet gets upset and says; ‘no, it’s not.’

The argument continues and Jim gets a tape measure.

Jim measures the barbecue and Janet’s butt and…Sure enough, her butt is bigger than the barbecue.

Silently Janet disappears into the house and later that night – both in bed – Jim moves toward her and wants to have some fun.

Janet says, “Do you think I’m going to fire up that big barbecue for one little wiener???”

Jim now cooks alone, if you know what I mean!

Two Women in Bentonville Arkansas – One pointing at Wine

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts but

‘There is a market for inexpensive wine,’ said Kathy McMicken, professor of Mass Marketing at the U. of Ark  in Bentonville, AR.

Dr. McMicken said ‘However, branding will be very important.’

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties. 

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

1. Chateau Traileur Parc 
2. White Trashfindel 
3. Big Red Gulp 
4. World Championship Riesling 
5. NASCARbernet 
6. Chef Boyardeaux 
7. Peanut Noir 
8. I Can’t Believe it’s not Vinegar 
9. Grape Expectations 
10. Nasti Spumante 

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). 

P.S. Don’t bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know Squirrel is not a red meat.

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot… ‘Could you give me some tips?’ he asked.

The old man said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high -tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’ ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?”Sure will ‘ the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. ‘That’s terrific!’ said the cowboy.

‘Got any more tips?’ ‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw’ ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man. ‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here.

Got any more tips?’ The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’ The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.. ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Mr.Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune,  Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

Jan, Sue and Mary haven’t seen each other since college. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a winebar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York ‘s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and Columbia U. and is now a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a smallapartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses’ aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

I got a note from a friend of mine who’s a doctor in Chicago. He sent me a note that said. “When I worked as a medical intern in a local hospital, one  of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent.  It took me some time to understand that he had no insurance coverage. One thing he had made clear was that he was a World War II veteran, so I had him transported to the Veteran’s Administration hospital, where he’d be eligible for benefits.

The next day my patient was back, with a note from the VA: Right war, wrong side.”

A nice, calm and respectable striking woman came into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide. ‘

The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’

The woman replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’

She reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘You didn’t tell me that you had a prescription.’

This is a short tale of a frog that was minding his own business and hopping along the bank of a beautiful brook in the swamp. A pelican noticed the frog and before the frog could take evasive action, the pelican simply gobbled him down in a single swallow.

The frog, suddenly was plunged into complete and utter darkness and his surroundings were just slimy, warm and black. He became very afraid. He slid and slid and wriggled and wriggled until he found a tube that he guessed might be the way out. He followed the tube which was very twisty until he saw pink circle below him. He gradually was able to push his head through the pink circle and there was a rush of fresh air. He looked out and below him he could see the brook and pond that was his home. Air was rushing by and he screamed “Where are we?” and the pelican a little surprised to hear a voice said “We’re at about 10,000 feet above a stream.”. The frog yelled back “You wouldn’t shit me, would you?”